It’s been complicated lately.
I met someone and it was like a matchstick (kinda).
She was kind-hearted, good intentioned, and intense. She was bold & deeply into me. But she was surrounded by drama. And she waved red flags early on… (I am catching them sooner this time!)
When I described her to my friends (& my therapist), based on her choices, they expected her to be in her twenties- not a year older than me. But she raised her brother after her mom died 10 years ago (relatable). And my mom died on her mom’s birthday (coincidence? turns out, yes). She was sooo interesting! And dating a trained chef sounds like a literal dream. Plus she was tall, cute, & had fantastic boobs. And did I mention that she was deeeeeeeply into me?!
But I cut it off around three weeks. We hadn’t even slept together yet. The red flags stacked up and honestly, deep in my gut, I felt ambivalent to it all. I enjoyed the attention. I thought she was nice enough and cute and I thought it would be good for me to finally move on.
But I couldn’t talk myself into it. It felt toxic early on and it didn’t feel good to my nervous system. I know what magic feels like. I can’t settle for less or I’d still be fucking men (which means I’m probably not getting laid anytime soon 😩).
And I haven’t slept with anyone since my ex 🫠 Maybe I just need a rebound… It’s more complicated now that I’m fully swearing off of men. Sex with women is so much more intimate. Or maybe I am not as over her as I wish I was. I don’t freaking know… Guess I’ll explore this more in therapy tomorrow 🥲
