I posted on my facebook:
“I am so unbelievably glad that I realized that I am a lesbian. I legitimately feel bad for straight girls because what do you mean you’re attracted to your number one predator? 🥲”
It was supposed to be tongue in cheek humor. An honest, vulnerable personal truth followed by an empirical fact phrased in a bitchy, silly little way- like I do.
I didn’t expect a big response. Twelve people liked, loved, or cared for it- mostly straight people (of both genders).
I had a quick, thoughtful exchange with a gentleman who questioned if it was satire because he was worried it was a dangerous idea. He seemed receptive to my honest response.
Before that respectful exchange with what is basically an internet stranger, one of my closest friends commented something that truly upset me. She said something like “Not all men are evil. Women are just as bad. I hate everyone. lol” I’m paraphrasing from memory because she deleted her comment shortly after.
I was already irritated with my teenagers for bickering with each other. I was having a really painful period. But I rarely post about being a lesbian so this really rubbed me wrong.
I texted her.
“Please don’t “All Lives Matter” me”
“I’m not really sure what all you’re implying, but I don’t think it’s fair to think that every single man is a predator”
“Who said that? Because I didn’t.”
…
“Women are not all innocent. Because they are a woman. All you have to do is listen. You know to some true crime. A lot of men become violent because of very bad mothers. That’s a fact.”
“Babe, no one said that. And don’t do that. Don’t blame women for shitty men.”
“I’m going to just leave this conversation because I feel like this is one that it doesn’t matter what I say. You know it won’t matter so I’m just going to leave it right there.
I just simply don’t agree with you saying that women are innocent and don’t do anything wrong and men are the sole thing that is wrong. I don’t believe that or agree with it. That’s what I’m trying to express to you and that’s it.”
“you are feeding words into my mouth that I never said. You misunderstand and misinterpret me, but it doesn’t matter. You don’t want to find understanding so ttyl”
“You let me know when you want to talk again. I’m willing to do that when you’re ready. But I just don’t want to argue with you. I love you too much. I’ll talk to you soon”
“You came onto my post celebrating myself to defend men like I attacked them when I stated a fact. And you keep saying that I said “all men and bad and all women are good” when I never said anything like that. I’m not arguing; i just don’t understand the point. It hurt my feelings.”
“I never in a million years want to or will ever try to hurt your feelings. Our friendship means the most to me.
I don’t think that post was designed to celebrate yourself. It definitely came across as a jab at men. And women who like men.
And I understand I took it to the extreme of all Men are bad and all women are good. When you did not say that. and I’ve thought about that and I think that’s just how you made me feel recently by various conversations over time. You have become very man-hatey and it does bother me because I do love men and I do know there are good men and I’m trying to raise a good man.
The point I was simply trying to make is that not all men are predators. There are plenty of women predators too. And I don’t think it’s fair to blame one gender. That’s all.”
“You don’t get to tell me what my post is designed for”
“I’m happy we’re able to talk now. I was stressing we weren’t going to speak for a long time. And I don’t like that thought.”
“yeah, I’m not so happy that I continued the conversation honestly”
“I have to cook dinner anyway”
“you think i’m man hatey, i think you are man centered”
And that was Thursday.
I want to understand her perspective and keep this friendship. I value her greatly. She means so much to me. But today, on the following Monday, I sent this:
The number of problematic opinions that you displayed in our prior exchange blew my mind. And I need to get a couple of things off my chest if we are going to move forward as friends. I thought you were a feminist. But arguing that they aren’t our predators when women are murdered by men literally 85% of the time feels willfully ignorant.
Let’s start at the beginning: women as a whole are absolutely not nearly as evil as men. We have the same access to firearms and weaponry, but we don’t commit half of the murders, independent nor mass nor rapes nor battery. Men are the number ONE perpetrators of ALL violent crimes and statistics across the ENTIRE globe.
No one said all women are innocent; I know that women (particularly us white women) are one of the greatest tools of the patriarchy. Women hate women, too. It’s part of the patriarchal culture that we are raised in; constantly pitting us against one another.
I don’t think every single man is a predator; I know and love a handful of men. You met about 20% of the good men that I know at my birthday party. But I also think that it’s common sense to approach every unknown man like a loaded gun. If not then let your teenage daughter go see a random male masseuse alone. Or hire a boy babysitter for your infant daughter. No? Why not?
“A lot of men become predators because of very bad moms” Yeah? Well a lot of bad moms become bad moms from abusive, rapey, and/or absent fathers- their own and their children’s. Notice how the father’s responsibility was never even mentioned? Men’s bad behaviors are their responsibility alone, not the women around them. That feels very “what were you wearing”. Again, a problematic part of this patriarchal rape culture.
Furthermore you telling me what my intentions are on a post that I wrote is rude as fuck. Ask me; I am a very honest & blunt person. I have never lied to you because I have no care to lie.
Yes, YOU took it to the extreme. You took it as a jab and that’s something you should reflect on; I am not responsible for your triggers. We are all responsible for our own feelings.
But honestly, I think it’s kind of shitty-as my friend- to insinuate that you have been having secret negative feelings about me, but not said anything until now. If I have been man-hatey, then why wouldn’t you say something when you were bothered? I think a good friend would.
