My Open Diary

Our bodies were so close that I could feel her heart beating. She held my face & kissed me deeply. She whispered with her eyes still closed, “Where did you come from?”

I smiled with my lips still touching hers, “the deepest pits of hell, my angel”

I have to be careful not to simplify a person.

Like my core memory of someone is not who they are as a whole; it’s a single moment of their life that made an impact or impression on me.

I don’t consciously mean to, but in that instant, my mind wraps that moment around their neck like an invisible scarf. They don’t even know it’s there. But from now on, every time I see them, the first thing I notice is that scarf.

That makes it easier to reduce someone to a single moment. I see their scarf, sometimes it’s basically a red letter A, and reactively define them by that one way or another.

I don’t think it’s fair; and I’m trying to be more aware of it. My single positive or negative experience with someone fifteen years ago does not determine the person they are today.

I had a great day today; I spent it with my little brother.

We went to a nice little brunch at the Escape restaurant & bar in Riverside with a varied crowd of adults to celebrate Fahmida’s birthday. He was a dapper, well behaved, little gentleman. He had the kid’s cheese pizza and I the grilled shrimp wrap. Both were fantastic. Service was a little slow, but the company kept it lively with rich conversation. And the food was worth the wait.

Afterwards, he mentioned that he had never tried boba 🧋 so for dessert, we went to OMG Cafe off Beach. It was positively a delight. We split a chocolate puppy 🐶 & each had a milk tea.

We decided that we were full and needed to stretch our legs. So we went and changed into warm clothes, scooped up the dog, and met up with my bestie Laura, her son, Landen and her niece, Jayla in Atlantic Beach. We took an evening beach stroll in the salty, brisk air. It was perfect.

Then we decided on a game night ♦️ together featuring Uno & Trouble before finishing the night with Disney’s Hercules.🏺

If it’s not enthusiastic, it’s not consent.

I see you as a human being.

I understand that you have feelings.

I recognize that you have needs.

I know that you are a complex, self-aware organism navigating this capitalistic Hellscape of a floating rock.

You see me as a fuck toy.

If you can’t use me, you’d rather lose me.

I just wanted to be your friend.

whenever I spend time with straight men, I get a little bit gayer.

I am trying to get better about asking if my friends have the emotional availability for my needs. We are all constantly dealing with our own messes.

“ Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”

-Westley, The Princess Bride

It’s always easier to give advice than to take it…

It’s different when you’re standing on the outside of the fire and can objectively evaluate the situation versus when you’re caught inside of the burning building.

“Good vibes only” doesn’t leave room for the darker side of humanity.

(But I’m tired of wasting valuable time feeling sad & incapable so I’m leaning in. )

I’m reminding myself that if you forge a smile long enough, then your brain forgets that it’s fake.

And so I’ll plaster a fucking smile to my face until we all believe it.

I know it’s weird to say, but I love falling into someone’s thirst trap— especially if it is someone whom I’ve never considered having the potential to be sexy.

Like yeah, you’re objectively attractive, but who knew that you could be provocative?

It shocks me to my very core sometimes.

✨go little rockstar ✨

“She didn’t choose me, Alan. The only choice she made was not you. Nobody chooses me. I’m the hole where a choice should be.”

-Mike, S1:E5 Russian Doll

If no one bears witness to the small moments of my life, am I even living?

I am not certain anymore.

Intention changes everything.

Roll with the punches, but work on your defense game. Keep your hands up and your head protected. Then learn how to land your own blows.

Second chances make me feel like an idiot.

But I probably am an idiot.