My Open Diary

Bad feelings are valid, too.

Sadness, anger, fear, regret, disgust are all part of the human condition.

So feel them.

Don’t guilt yourself for showing and possessing a spectrum of emotion.

Reminder to self: any time a man says this phrase, he is actually worse.

My soul is so much tougher than this soft meat sack that carries it.

souls are bigger than bodies

You don’t really like me.

You don’t really know me to really like me.

You like a fable.

You like a lie.

You like the version of me that you have built in your head.

But that isn’t me.

Your eyes, your windows

Your soul peering out & into into mine

And we see

And we are seen

And it’s all that any of us truly want.

Allow me to let kisses fall like rose petals onto where wounds once were.

Let my love glisten like sunlight in gemstones onto your scars, imperfection & humanity.

Lips tender like the wings of a butterfly brushing over your shame with grace.

“He’s no different than any other guy… He loves the chase.”

“I ain’t ever broke no law ‘cept when I broke parole.”

“I ain’t never been lucky! Not one time!”

Today is the first time that I’ve watched this movie & I’m in love!

Favorite Compliments of the week-

“Is your hair just like that? OMG! Your natural curly hair is majestic.” -Lindsey on Saturday while sneaking vodka into our Jarritos at Dos Vatos Tacos

“Has anyone ever told you that you have a really sexy phone voice?” -Lee David, random customer on the phone this morning after I helped him with his insurance question

“You didn’t buy all this!? You made ALL of this art?! It looks so professional; I mean, I guess you are a professional, but, Wow! This is really impressive.” -Heath, drinking a white claw on my couch the first night I met him

Random dude on Snapchat: “Can I get one of your *pics*?😜”

Me: “… those come at a cost & I tend to want a piece of you soul in return… internet porn is so much cheaper 😉”

I could find ointment to heal her body, but her body wasn’t hurting; it was her soul that suffered, and there I could not reach.

I was visiting with my mother at work yesterday. She was finishing her last haircut appointment of the day and so I took my dog to the back for a walk.

About 15 minutes into the haircut, her client popped his head out the back door and said “I think your mother is having an emergency and needs you.“

My mother was having a stroke.

We loaded into my car and hauled ass to the emergency room. They rushed her straight back for tests and scans & then we hung out for about six hours.

They decided that they needed to transport her to the hospital downtown for an MRI. Due to recent Covid outbreaks, visiting hours stop at 8 PM and so I was unable to go with her.

I am overwhelmed. I am worried. I am helpless.

I’m getting ready to go to the hospital downtown now. I don’t know why i am writing.

I am in a constant state of change like the tides of the sea.

I am never the same.

I am always the same.

I collect the days like gem colored seashells.

But they live on in the past, and therefore must be released.

Yet still appreciated for the moment that they were mine.

I haven’t been writing because the waves have been crashing hard lately.

I haven’t been here in years.

You can tell by the state of my house: my laundry is piling up, my dishes are unwashed, and my trash needs to be taken out, my floors need to be swept, my homework needs to be done, my shower needs to be scrubbed, my sculptures need to be finished, my sheets need to be washed, my nails need to be painted, my legs need to be shaved, and so on and so forth.

I have been obsessing over the toils of capitalism on our humanity and how fucked up our society remains. I have been thinking of my depleting egg count and how picky I am with partners. I am looking for a feeling that I haven’t felt; a type of connection that I don’t even know exists. I have been questioning the meaning of life and what souls are made of and how to “level up”.

I make bad choices because I feel bad; I feel bad because I make bad choices.

Procrastination

is a lot like masturbation

It may feel good at the time

but in the end

you’re only screwing yourself.