Author: Amber💘

If no one bears witness to the small moments of my life, am I even living?

I am not certain anymore.

Intention changes everything.

Roll with the punches, but work on your defense game. Keep your hands up and your head protected. Then learn how to land your own blows.

Second chances make me feel like an idiot.

But I probably am an idiot.

Even the ones who pretend to be harmless…

Even the ones who claim they have good intentions…

Even the “nice guys”…

Even the ones who say they just wanna be your friend..

Want to tear into you with grimy bare hands like a starving savage ripping into a warm pink centered filet.

I’m done.

I’ve had enough.

I’m good. (Not at dating; I’m actually the worst at that 🤪)

I have bad taste in men. I have no idea, up close, what a solid, emotionally stable relationship looks like. I’ve never had one. My mother never had one. My grandmother never had one. I’m trying to break all of these generational curses brought on by teen parenthood, drug abuse, poverty, abandonment issues & trauma passed along from my parents.

This is the one I really can’t master. So I’m going to take some time for therapy and self work.

In dating over the last two years, I have had the following experiences:

-“Homeboy, are you doing hard drugs in my bathroom?” -October

-“Odinism is your belief system, huh? Never heard of that.” **Google gives history referencing white supremacy & Nazi history. -September

-“Wait, how long were you in prison?” -August

“Wait, how long were you in prison?” -September

-“Wait, how long were you in prison?”-September

(yes, three times in a row with longer sentences/time served each time) 😳🙃

-One guy gave me an unprompted, non-consensual foot massage mid-date.

-Another bought me kegel weights before our first date.

-One guy told me that I look hispanic in some of my pictures. I said thank you. He said it wasn’t a compliment.

-One guy said that he didn’t want to date but rather he wanted me to “be a fuckdoll for him and his friends to pass around.”

-One guy said that he “hopes that my pig-ass gets pregnant with a half breed.” when I asked if he supports BLM.

-After a date Christmas shopping last year, one guy stole three pairs of socks and a shirt that I bought from Express for my mother.

-Another told me that I think that i’m smarter and prettier than I actually am.

-Another guy that I was seeing for a couple months told me his kink was for me to ask him to cum in me. He explicitly assured me that he wouldn’t actually do it, he just wanted me to ask. And then he did anyways. 😑

Yeah so I need to take some time for self reflection to make better choices for myself.

Soft souls like mine

aren’t made for this

hard world.

My friend’s fiancé decided that I make her insecure and that she no longer wants me in his life.

She has never even met me.

I’m not shoot you crazy; I’m shoot me crazy.

Sui, not homo…

“-cide” that is…

My expectations belong to me; they’re honestly none of your business.

“that is where the human being lives, in the how and why, not the should.”

-Aunt Elizabeth, The Great S2 E10

I have had enough. I just want to get back out and see the sunshine.

Once again, I am finding myself at the bottom of that old familiar cobblestone well in the far corner of my mind.

My eyes have well adjusted to the dark and I am staring at the imprint of myself in dried mud. At least I am no longer lying down with my flesh pressed into the earth. I am upright, if hunched over & just barely.

But this is the hard part.

Once I have decided to rise from the dead, I have to figure out how.

I don’t bring a rope or ladder when I fall into the well; I only get out by clawing my way to the top, sheer willpower.

But I am still tired. It would be so much easier if I were to just lay back down.

My arms were supposed to be solace, gathering her soft flesh and salty tears. But she couldn’t feel my warmth. The cold from her pain was deeper than my reach.

“Once an idea hits you right, you are irrevocably changed.”

-Georgina, The Great S2 E9

I’m better in person than online.

I overthink the curated version of me; I like me raw and unfiltered.

Can we hold each other and forget that it is not love? No expectations. No future.

I’ll use you & you use me and we will be happy in our short lived, make-believe bliss.

It’s only going to last a day, our fake fleeting feelings..

But doesn’t it feel good? The flesh. The warmth. The soft.

It’s difficult to connect anymore so we make the most of it.

Even if it’s only superficial & for tonight.